hi xanga i wrote in you in the best of times and the worst of times

im back again for just a moment because

because i dont know but i just feel like, um. i dnt know. i just gave lilypad a bath and shes running around like a maniac. shes my baby i feel like her mother, shes my only friend. my only friend is a dog and a boy named bryan who loves me unconditionally despite the fact that i can be very melancholy at times mostly because my mommy and daddy act like stubborn children, and also because i miss the people who i used to relate to and used to tell my feelings (its hard to talk to a puppy she has a very short attention span). now they either despise me for how i've changed and don't have any interest in speaking to me, or have disappeared into the little hole of protection an isolated life gives them, or have moved on to bigger and better things and dont need my company anymore. i was just this temporary, artificially flavored filling in their void and now they have that delicious. real. cream.

hello xanga, its been a while.

life is great...i'm getting my car transfered to my name in two weeks, my braces are off, my room is clean and rearranged, and im getting a's and b's in school, i've hit the 3000$ savings mark, not to mention that the 19th im going to club shampoo (initially with silkia, mary, jay, and some other kids, but now im riding up with Liz, rico, and a few others) and jessica and dieter from laguna beach are gonna be there and im gonna be tipsy as hell and its going to be crazy!

muah, later

august fourth, 2004

copacabana

as the sunset approaches
and i sit alone on
the balcony of copacabana
the foreign bugs sing in the trees
a nighttime lullabye for the
resting birds with their
yellow and red patterns
i can hear the ocean so near
so sparkling blue and clear
children from all over the world
darting at the little silver fish
swimming near the shore
a lizard above me on the ceiling
sees an upside-down world
its so beautiful here
bright dazzling colors
fit the clouds like satin
as night begins

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
written august 3, 2004

MERRY CHRISTMAS

For public eyes. I do not care about all you losers on xanga. Not one word of this is me talking shit. It comes from the heart and I speak the truth.

DEAR ZACK COMPTON,

Once i thought i knew you but soon I realized that there was never anybody to know at all. You were a complete figment of your own imagination, morphing constantly into a fabrication of what you wished your pathetic life would be. Because of mistakes you made as your true colors showed, you eventually became a completely isolated person with nobody and you don't prefer it that way but you have no choice because you're a complete coward when it comes to facing your own mistakes. Forever you've always ran from, avoided, or covered up your wrong-doings even if they are accidents. You cannot bear to face a person when you know that you have personally destroyed them. You are a complete coward and I don't know why I ever trusted in you from the beginning to the end, or had any respect for you. In fact, I think I know why I had respect for you, it was because I had no respect for myself. I was completely lost when I first started hanging around you. I had nobody and you seemed to take me in before all of the games began. And once they started it never stopped and every time I was lifted up you would knock me down. By the time i came out of it sophomore year and broke things off with you the first time, I was a broken person and it completely defined who I am today. The memories hurt because I remember when I was oblivious and stupid and thought you really loved me, and accepted me, and respected me. It was all a lie. You were completely a lie. Nothing about you was the truth at all. You couldn't even figure out which way to go when it came to loving somebody. Even you didn't know your own sexuality. You were always a lost person and you put me down to make yourself feel better and superior. You were never under "her" spell, and you know who I'm talking about. And the reason why you hate eachother so much is because you are both so much alike. If you really think about it you're almost identical. You both use the same reverse psychology to make people second-guess themselves. And I used to second-guess myself a lot. Especially around that difficult time of the summer of my freshman year when I "betrayed" you. To think, that little lie would be such a huge deal to a bunch of people who lied to me 24/7. It was a lie to make me believe that you all loved me and wanted me around, and talked shit as much as you breathed when I wasn't around. I was just a joke to be toyed with. And then you made me feel like i was a terrible person when what I really did was just turned to somebody who wanted me and accepted me because I never had it from my own best friends. You never wanted me to be happy, to feel good. You were so self-absorbed in your own insecurities and misery that it blinded reality for you when you fucked up my life. It made you feel good. To pick on such a little girl made you into a leader and everybody 'loved you' and wanted to 'be you' because you're the trendsetter, right? And even when you began to grow up and our friendship shifted into a "real friendship", because I presented myself differently and your beatings eventually turned me into a mature dull anxious person who can't trust anybody and now feels as if everybody is conspiring against her or talking shit about her in their heads. Behind that mask of me was this mellowed out person because all of the marijuana that i smoked to try to sidetrack the reality that i lost my very very very best friend from when i was a little girl playing with barbies, and that i never really had any other friends at all, and that you especially loved to bring me down. How could you do this? Completely abandon me for two months for no reason whatsoever? WHAT KIND OF MORON ARE YOU??? And to think that you actually had a chance to have a social life, and to not have to pretend to have one on myspace anymore in this fabrication of your desperation to have friends. I was going to make you seem a lot less of a queer than you really were so you could hang out with people like Liz and Claire, the ones you idolized so much in high school. People like you make THEM out to be the assholes, and the stuck up bitches. They're the nicest people Ive ever known in my life. They don't have insecurities that make them put down people that appear smaller than they are. Ive talked to Liz for four months and shes made me feel more welcome in her life than you ever did in the six years of us knowing eachother.

The only reason why we became so close after all of the mess was over with and you graduated school and you had no body else to hang out with and you realized that all of those people you made yourself superior to were just pathetic losers who weren't worth shit, and that I was the one who actually meant something and who would have probably been there for you whenever you needed me to because i loved you very much. I made a huge mistake coming back to you time after time wanting your friendship. Towards the end of us you only wanted me around because I made you look good. You even said so yourself. "If we rock the boardwalk together ANY girl will come talk to me." 

Well guess what. fuck you. Never call me again, or try to contact me or try to resolve things. There's too much to ever be resolved and the damage you've done will never be fixed by fake apologies and false promises and plastic "I love you"'s. I'll see you soon in court, where I'm testifying, and where you're going to lie to save your own ass as usual.

Pussy.

Love, JULIE RYAN

PS: Don't reply to this. I never want to hear from you again. Not like I would have anyway whether or not I wrote this.